Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom