Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Living the best life.. 😊
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.