Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
It was worth a shot 😂
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
uh oh
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.