When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa