10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
God has left this place
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.