MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Always
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*