me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…