WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious