I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
goldfish mafia
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.