I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
podcasts
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.