“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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somebody come look at this
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!