How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
🤣
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”