I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
That’s it.I’m out.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.