Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Look at this
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.