mood
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.