“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Jupiter
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad