Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
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The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do