Monday
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
#dalle2
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now