Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My blood type is coffee.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace