MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“A little help here, Danny?”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The Weeknd is back
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.