cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.