Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Is fructose made with real fruct?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me hitting on a model
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
accurate
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach