*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.