“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My love language is hissing.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!