Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot