-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
You Might Also Like
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan