The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–