My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Monday
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.