If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.