[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
i’m sure it’s fine
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
BRO LMFAO
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.