Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*