if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.