*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
bears
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.