*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The Weeknd is back
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all