greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
You Might Also Like
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.