Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.