I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL