ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids