Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 馃槓
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We鈥檒l see about that.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do鈥o I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I鈥檓 not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey鈥檚 Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn鈥檛 get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
How to wake up a Beagle
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
No matter how bad a day I鈥檓 having at work at least there鈥檚 no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Battery falling down a hole
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she鈥檚 looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
sorry I didn鈥檛 call the dog ate your phone number
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.