When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
nature’s most graceful animal
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Heroic Misunderstanding
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
…..pretty much.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke