If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Risking my life for fun.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.