Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
i can’t wait that long
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…