I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.