That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
my mind
You just read my mind
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.