A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning