I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
When your parents check you’re ok.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped