Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶