I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
it’s the silliest best thing
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party