My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.