[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play